Almost three years have gone down the drain,

never knew my efforts were so in vain.

Nothing will ever be the same,

as it was all but a game…

 

You do not wish to live no more, so you say.
What did you think I should do?
Walk away and let you be?
Not give it another thought?

I did not bring you here.  Nor force you to stay.
Your beloved, favoured only son made the choice for you.  And you did not complain, did not say a word.  He said he wishes not to be at fault for letting you stay on the farm, he pushed the responsibility to me.  Now you blame me… for not fitting in, not finding your way in the city.

I am trying my best to make it work.  I took you in, sorted your flat, go shopping, pick you up, take you out.  Make you laugh….I do not deserve to be told that you are “just a nuisance to all”.

I did not deserve this.

 

In too deep.  It’s tearing me apart.

I cannot sleep.  I do not know what the future holds…

All I know is that I love you deeply and while looking at you when you are dreaming I wish this moment will never pass.  If time could only stop for a while to let me savour the moment and hold on to forever.  If I could hold on to what we have right now, build on it and let time heal your wounds.  I would give you my heart and all I hold dearly, if only I could hold on to forever.

A new beginning?

A short while ago, three weeks…bumped into a friend….we talk…have coffee….a braai…

Sometimes I just wonder if this is still possible?  Meet someone you know on a different level, someone you have maybe wondered about…

And here I am, again… stating, wishing that this is different, hoping for something lasting, for a soulmate, a teammate a playmate.  I still believe in love, in dreams….

You might be real…

Thank you for stepping into my life!

Left alone in the cold winter nights I roam the empty spaces in my brain.  What did I think distance love is for?  Clouding my brain, lulling me to sleep at night, keeping me home, content, safe?  One month, two months and more… no word lost that goes to heart.  Loosing faith…

Where do you take the strength from to get up in the morning? Is it the early sunrise, the promise of a new day? The beauty of nature or a piece of music? Do you run for the money to be able one day to live without worries or pain? Are you happy in your routine or do you feel you want to brake out? Do you work to reap the joy or praise of those you work for or with?

Where do you tap the energy to be happy? Is it a choice you make consciously? Every day?  There are so many unknown aspects about you.So little I know….

I wish we had talked more. Do you know that I am happy when you are? Do you know how much I need, crave to know that there is someone out there whom I can love?  And who  loves me back?  Does distance matter?

Do you know how often I wonder if this (us)  is true or real?  How often do I fail in my trust, I let you down, because of my insecurities?   I loose the connection…..

I sometimes loose myself in doubt, feel down.  Bad days and good days!  A lovely song on the radio, a smile in the street, a beautiful  setting in nature is what most often sets me back on track.

I love to love…

 

 

 

Talking about my feelings has never been easy, but my head or shall I rather say the whole of ME is full of them.  Many pages….endless pages: linking to some realities, making up some of my own realities, subjectively mine.

I feel as if living on stage, my life a setup, nothing is real.  The real me lives only in dreams, feelings, thoughts, wishes.  Where is the line between virtual, imagination and reality?  Don’t we all have our own imaginative reality?

I love life.

I love my life.

I am happy, mostly…..

But there seems always to be the bigger, better, higher, faster track.  The track that seems unreachable.  The fears that need to be conquered, the points to be proven.

I love to share.  I wish to share the real me.  Who wants to listen?  Who wants to see, feel, experience the real me?  Am I boring?  Who will question me or disgrace me?  Who will believe me and dig deeper?  Who will break me or make me succumb?

I LOVE LIFE, be part of it.

I ask you to.